Friday, October 07, 2005

Herding Cats


I like to check out Ed Kemmick's blog from time to time. Ed writes for the Billings Gazoo. His blog is called City Lights and except for the award for over the top hyperbole that he gave me a while back he does post some interesting stuff. I found a gem of a discussion today about the recent law passed in Billings requiring cat owners to keep their cats contained.

WTF is this world coming to. I think it's a combination of people who are absolutely incapable of taking responsibility for their own actions and people who are absolutely incapable of tolerating even the slightest little inconvenience that might disrupt the perfect little life that they've made for themselves. For me this is one of those little things that should require absolutely no effort on the part of the government but people are so spoiled by the ability to go forth and cry to their favorite politician and get their way that they've completely forgotten how to solve problems on their own. This is a simple matter of discussing the problem with your neighbor and coming to a mutually beneficial solution, it should go something like this:

Neighbor: Bill, your cat crapped in my petunias again, I would really appreciate it if you would keep your cat in your own yard.

Cat Owner: Well Fred, you know that I can't be held responsible for the actions of my cat since after all it has a mind of it's own and my cat's psychologist said that it will upset Fluffy's natural balance of karma and YinYang if I contain it to a certain area when it's natural tendency is to explore and crap in your petunias.

Neighbor: Bill, I asked you nice once, keep your @#%$@ cat out of my yard, or there is going to be problems.

At this point, Bill will storm off into his house in a huff, Fred will man a post near his window overlooking his petunia garden armed with his weapon of choice. Soon thereafter Fluffy will hunker down in Fred's flower bed, open his copy of the Billings Gazoo and proceed to excrete a stink pickle into said flower bed. At this point Fred will discharge said weapon after taking careful aim at the head of said cat. At this point Fred has two options, toss the lifeless carcass over the fence onto the front porch as an example to Bill of what happens when he doesn't cooperate, or ditch the evidence in the nearest dumpster and just act dumb when Bill comes inquiring about the whereabouts of dear Fluffy. Since anyone wimpy enough to have a cat named Fluffy with it's own psychologist would most likely be the cop calling, law suit filing type, Fred would be wise to opt for the latter. Six months later both neighbors will be combing the classifieds looking for free kittens since both of their houses are at this point overrun with mice. End of story, problem solved, lesson learned, no politicians involved.

The moral of this story is this: If you people really have enough time on your hands to be so concerned with a little cat poo as to involve the city council, you should really consider balancing your karma and your YinYang because you have some serious problems.

And to the city council: If you really have so much time on your hands as to be able to devote even one iota of it to passing a ridiculous and unenforceable law like this then maybe you should consider only meeting once a year for one hour at a time because you people are obviously so desperate for something to do in order to justify your own existence that you are desperately clutching at straws.

So in closing I say: Grow up, take care of your own animals (and children for that matter), accept responsibility for your own actions (and those of your pets and children 'cause that's the way it works, sorry if you don't like it I don't make the rules), and don't bitch if you have to clean up a little cat poo every once in a while, it's not worth having a lousy relationship with your neighbor and besides, someday your knotheaded kid might get caught spraypainting "Bill is a wuss with a cat named Fluffy that goes to a psychologist" on a nearby bridge and when Bill shows up at your door pissed you can always say "well you know, I could've turned you in for all of that cat poo I've been cleaning up all of these years but since we've always been such good neighbors I've always figured we should just let bygones be bygones."

At which time Bill will say "you know Fred, you're right. Kids do such silly things sometimes and I'm sure he was only joking just like that time that he cut down that big cottonwood tree in my back yard with that chainsaw that he stole from Larry across the street and it crashed through my roof and landed in my dining room. It's no big deal neighbor, we'll just forget the whole thing. By the way, have you seen Fluffy? If I don't find him soon he's going to be late for his appointment at the kitty spa."

To which Fred replies grinning: "nope, ain't seen him, but if I do I'll tuck him a little deeper in the. . . . . . I mean I'll send him straight home that little angel."

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