Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Update, I Killed a Kitten and Now I Feel Better

Ok, I didn't really kill a kitten, but I did talk to my friend. I did apologize for being a dickhead, he apologized for bringing up something that didn't really matter in the first place, we both chalked the whole thing up to our mutual dissatisfaction with life in general as of late added to the large quantities of alcoholic beverages that we had consumed. We didn't kiss, (while I can't speak for him, I don't swing that way) ;), but we did shake hands and laugh about it.

I am now past my probationary period at my new job and officially full time and eligible for benefits. I'm supposed to be getting a raise. I feel a lot better, mostly due to the fact that I realized that the whole situation isn't nearly as bad as it seemed, and in a large part because I've realized that what I've been feeling isn't so unusual. My pitty party post gathered far more comments than I ever dreamed that it would, as well as some really good advice, but mostly a big fat "liberal group hug" as Tony put it. ;)

And I'm not even a liberal, go figure.

Anyway, my sense of humor has returned to it's pre-argument state. I can now smile again, and until something else trips my trigger I'm going to try to stay this way. I really do appreciate all of the wish me wells, I do appreciate all of the advice, it will be a long time before I feel normal again, but I'm improving every day except for minor setbacks now and then such as last weekend. It was probably wrong of me to vent my frustrations here, but at least now I know that people care.

Most people laugh at the idea that friends can be made over the internet, I know better. As a truck driver I've had numerous friends over the years that I wouldn't know from Adam if I met them downtown, but I can recognize their voices on a CB radio any day.
Many of these people I've ended up meeting face to face, gotten together with a few for 4 wheeling trips and such as well. We've shared stories, good and bad, we've talked about our families, good and bad, we've given each other advice when someone is going through hard times, we've supported each other when family members were sick or dieing, we've lent an ear when someone was getting a divorce or having trouble with their kids. If that's not friendship, what is? I now know that by doing this, writing down a little slice of my life and sharing it with the world, that I've made friends all over the country, all over the world perhaps, and even if we never meet face to face, I appreciate the fact that you care. Next time instead of bitching about it on the internet, I'll just kill a kitten.

I'll be OK, but I'd be better if I won the lottery.

Now as far as the Prozac's concerned, could I have some Viagra instead?


a-fire-fly said...

Glad you feel better. Sometimes it helps to blow up and then look at everything in the aftermath, you see things you didn't notice before. Remember to thank your wife for putting up with you. A few words can make a big difference to her too. And it might help with the Viagra thing!

Wulfgar said...

When it all boils to the top, life is okay after all. Glad to hear things are improving.

5 said...

Damn whiney Liberal!
Right...glad to hear it and its funny, the CB and the net blogs are really one and the same. I used a Ranger and used to shoot skip all day and half the night...yes, I had a BIG radio...
But us out here in the blog world, we do stick together sorta, that smart ones anyway-ever see someone who had too many friends? Take care, T

5 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Justin said...

I've got a few linears laying around, had a Galaxy once but the smoke got out of it,(for the non-truckers out there, let me clarify: it's a long standing theory that CB radios are filled with smoke and that they need it in order to operate, I know that it's true because once the smoke comes out of them, they don't work anymore . . . snicker, chuckle, snort) but I've never needed them, I'm a freight hauler, I run the same routes all the time. All the guys I talk to are regulars, usually going the same way I am so I don't need a big radio, plain old Cobra 29 works just fine. And you're exactly right, nobody can ever have too many friends.

Wulfgar, you're not nearly as glad as I am trust me. I don't know why little things disturb me so bad, I know that something isn't right, but I either don't believe, or won't admit, that something's wrong with me. I've just watched too damn many good people piss their lives away trying to scratch out a living and barely making it, then dieing broke and broken as their reward. I always swore that I wouldn't be one of them, but here I am, and every time something seemingly insignificant goes wrong I can't help but think that it would be so much easier to deal with if I only had more money.(doesn't everyone?) I hear all the time about how money doesn't buy happiness, I already have everything that I need to be happy except the time to enjoy it/them, money can buy more free time. When my life at home is going great, and most of my problems seem to revolve around work and the time that it consumes and the lack of money that it generates, am I a fool for thinking that working in general/working the wrong job is the culprit? I really need to start a business, or win the lottery.

fire fly, you're exactly right as well, it's kind of like getting in a fight with one's spouse. It hurts, it sucks, it's maddening, but then you get to make up when it's all over. I like making up, and I don't need Viagra. ;)

Dawn said...

Little Brother.... i've not had my putter on for a few days. Boo Hooooo... have you grown up to be dad or what???? the difference i see is he never spilt his guts... good job.. . now don't get mad its not an insult and i respect that you can say what you feel(mom). But you have been through cancer and back and your worried about a job???? your kids are healthy you have a roof over your head and you don't live in Louisiana(sp?)Clinical depression sucks but most peoples diet puts them their- take care of self first. then and only then can you help others are you still on your thyroid meds??? maybe
up the dose... ask the doc...I do think you should however not kill a kitten....
Don't worry-be happy. Be glad your not married to Martha S. and count your blessings. luv ya, sis

Justin said...

Uh, gee, thanks sis, I guess if I grew up to be dad then I guess we know who grew up to be mom. You may have noticed that I've been somewhat selective about what I've mentioned here. In typical motherly fashion however you've now revealed things that I've thus far chosen not to. No big deal, it would've all come out eventually, but before you start posting naked baby pictures you may want to remember that this is the internet, anyone in the world can see this and I hardly think that it's the place to discuss our/your childhood issues or any of my personal business that I don't choose to reveal. If you want to talk on a personal level, you know where I live in other words, some things are none of anybody's business but my own. I could post personal information about you if I wanted to, I don't because I respect you, please give me the same respect if you would be so kind.

Maybe if you looked a little deeper than the surface, as in my job, and took a look at the big picture perhaps you could see why I'm a little spun right now. Yes, I did survive cancer, so far anyway, and I will survive this and I don't need medication or advice from your witch doctor to do it, but I have the right to have a bad day.

Did it ever occur to you that I was in dire financial straits before I got cancer? A condition that I accept full responsibility for since it was a result of nothing more than my own bad choices, but a condition none the less that was drastically worsened by the resulting period of unemployment and the large related stack of medical bills. Did you also notice that rather than taking the easy way out and declaring bankruptcy that I've driven junk and lived in a shack for almost 7 years while working 60+ hours a week to pay those debts? Did you happen to notice that the only thing that kept me going through that 7 years was the "light at the end of the tunnel"? Did you realize that when I was almost out of that tunnel the light was pissed on and extinguished as my reward for being honest and hard working and paying what I percieved as my penance for my bad choices? If you wanted to know, all you'd have had to do was ask, but you didn't, you judged me(mom).

You're right, losing a job isn't worth getting all that upset about, but take everything here and add it up and what do you come up with? Do you have any idea how perilously close I am to NOT having a roof over my head? Do you have any idea whether or not my kids are healthy? I hope they are, because if they aren't I don't have the money to do a fucking thing about it and I don't remember the last time you asked.

You bring up dad, I know that you have issues there, but I don't, I love the man whether you hold some old bullshit against him or not, that's your problem. He does spill his guts, he just doesn't spill them to people that have nothing to offer except judgemental bullshit, a trait that I proudly inherited I guess. The only issue that I have regarding dad is the fact that I've watched him get his ass kicked by the world his entire life and I don't want to carry on the tradition, I don't want him to have to watch me carry on the tradition.

I don't decide my entire life on what happened last week, I was blessed/cursed with a better memory than that, and after you come and see me for 10 minutes every year you get back in one of your fleet of new/newer than I've ever had cars/trucks and drive back to your new house and everything's dandy, like I just actually told you the whole story when you asked me how I've been, why should I waste the breath? If you cared you'd be a part of it and I wouldn't have to rehash. I'm still here sis, 24/7/365. Wanna trade? I'm proud of all that you've accomplished, I'm proud of Dee as well and I speak of it often, when was the last time you bragged about your brother? How many times did you gossip about him or judge him before/after that?

All my life I've lived under a cloud, a cloud of mediocrity, no matter where I go it follows me no matter how I try to shake it. Just when I think I've left it in the dust, there it is again every time, thousands of times, over and over again this roller coaster ride of get behind and catch up just in time to get behind again further than before. The last six months? Since I lost my job? Try 31 years sweetheart. Sorry if it's starting to get to me a little.

And as far as my not being married to Martha Stewart, Carrie can outcook that shriveled up old hag any friggin day. I'd love to see Martha whip up something fancy on our grocery budget, Carrie does it every day.

Dawn said...

like I said this wasn't to make you angry and I was complimenting you.. I didn't however know you had such issues with me. i have always offered anything I had and still will to you or anyone who needs it. I do know the kids are healthy I do talk to your wife who is also my sister in law. I don't have issues with MY Dad. Dads never been kicked by anything-hes done it to himself. Mom is stronger than anyone for putting up with it. I love my Dad and Mom. I respect that they are still together after all these years(I can't say that for me) You really don't even know me do you????? :( Luvvv UUUU 4X

Anonymous said...

Glad you well kissed and made up. A true friend is as hard to find as a good wife :O) Keep up the good work and am so glad you like your job... marla