Sunday, December 11, 2005

What A Waste of a Perfectly Good Weekend

With all of the good times I've written about here, I've probably given a lot of people the impression that my life is something a little more wonderful than it actually is. The truth of the matter is that I've been playing a lot more than usual lately in an effort to maintain what's left of my sanity. Last spring a big part of my life took a headlong nosedive into the toilet, and I just can't seem to leave it behind me and every time that I think I just might be able to move on something else sneaks up and blindsides me. I try not to bitch about my problems very much, I usually just shut up and deal with it, but that's just not working so well anymore. My life over the last six months has been an ever steepening downward spiral, one thing after another, after another. I tend to not believe in all of these "syndromes" and buzzwords floating around giving names to what I see as typical life problems, and I definitely don't believe that taking some miracle pill will cure any of these problems, but if there is a such thing as depression, I have it.

There, I admitted it, anybody got any Prozac?

I used to be a happy person not so long ago, I desperately want to be again, but I just don't know how and it's killing me. My wife seems to be the only person that understands, God bless her for it, even my best friends seem to be getting fed up with my ever worsening attitude and I can't say that I blame them, and in the midst of my old friends starting to question me, I now have to start over trying to make new ones at a new job, how futile. Last night I tried to have some fun and forget a few problems for an hour or two, didn't work. I ended up getting in an argument with one of my best friends, the one person that's been through most of what I have over the last six months, the one person that I can relate to through all of this. I regret that argument deeply, and I hope that we both get over it as quickly as possible. He told me the truth about the way I've been acting lately and I didn't like what he had to say, I was an asshole about it I admit, but as a result I'm now stuck with my back against a wall once again, I like knowing where I stand, I like knowing what kind of opinions that people have about me, I hate it when I think I know and find out that I'm wrong. I hate having to ask myself if this person would have been a better friend had he not told me anything, would he have been a better friend if he'd told me a long time ago, will he still be my friend after what happened last night? I hate having to admit that I give a rodent's posterior what anyone thinks about me, I really don't care when it comes to most people, but when it's one of my closest friends it hits too close to home. I don't know what will come of this, all I know is that I don't think I can take much more bad luck, something's got to give here before I lose what's left of my will to even try, there isn't much to spare as it is.

So as a result of my private pitty party, I have nothing worthwhile to report at this time. I probably shouldn't have reported what I just did, but I feel like crap and I really don't care what I should or shouldn't do right now. The only thing I want to do is sleep, hopefully until it's all over, but I know that all the problems will still be there when I awaken. I'm sorry for being such a downer, it's really no one's problems but my own and I really doubt that anyone cares, but everything in my life that ever resembled any type of stability and security is either gone, or perilously close to being gone, everything that I worked so hard to earn is crumbling down around me and I just feel like complaining about it. I'll be in a better mood soon I'm sure, then I'll get back to writing something interesting, that is if my house doesn't burn down, it wouldn't surprise me, it's just the kind of luck I've been having.

What's the lotto jackpot up to this week? Wouldn't matter, if I won I'd get robbed on the way to cash in the ticket. Damn I need a new life, or my old one back.

Now go hug somebody that loves you, that's what I'm going to do, because you never know when that person might be all you've got.


Anonymous said...

At a point....several years ago..I was at the same level. I knew I was sick and did not give a damn whether I made it or not....nobody could tell me what was wrong. Lack of ambition...hell no will to live!

Finally a Dr. took a chance a guess actuall and diagonised me with RA...rheumatoid arthritis. Began treatment...worked a miracle...and the RA did show up in blood work two years later.

Due to all this, I was asked to leave my place of employement after 25 years...of course sickness not the reason given.

Best things that every happened to me. I have a wonderful wife and family who have supported me from day one...even when I had about given up...they did not.

I firmly believe life is what you make it......and living is only good. Been the other direction and did not like the route I was following.

Today life is not as $$$$ rewarding but the love of family far outweighs the other...

You preach the life of a frontiesman....take care of your own....that is great....first take care of yourself and the rest will come. I have thoroughly enjoyed our time together here....and would like to see you continue.

We are a lot alike.

David Summerlin said...

2004. I won't say I was going through the same thing, because we're each unique. But after closing my business, selling my house and filing personal bankruptcy, I spent about a year in depression. Most of the time the condition was barely differentiated from what I might have called "normal;" things were just different.

I didn't want to medicate it, but once I acknowledged the depression, I knew I had a finite time before I wore out my welcome with friends and family. Yes, close friends and family have limits, too, and if you're a drag to be around, they'll reach their limit at some point and their attitude will start to change.

I am of the opinion that clinically depressed people who fall somewhere short of bipolar are typically pretty well equipped to make up their own mind about whether drugs are necessary. There's no shame in resorting to anti-depressants. They have saved lives and restored sanity to others. But they are not without costs, and they are not for everyone.

I am relieved I didn't have to resort to drugs. Well, none of the pharmaceuticals, anyway.

If I may be so presumptuous as to offer what limited advice I have: depression is far more wrapped up in the seemingly petty things than we make it out to be when we're in its throes.

For example, during my depression I had 4 months of crappy work and about 11 months of no work, before I finally landed good work. During that time I blew the employment thing way out of proportion in my own mind, and I couldn't contemplate employment without that leading to all manner of social injustice and starving children in rotten countries and corrupt, greedy rich pigs at the trough. Yes, all those horrible things exist, but I didn't need to solve them all to control my depression.

So, that presumptuous advice I mentioned, here it is:

1) It's up to you. That's harsh, but true. Stay strong.
2) You can't count on those you love for an unlimited supply of love and support. They will get bitter and resentful eventually. They are only human. They need joy.
3) There's no shame in resorting to medication if it seems necessary. It doesn't always have to be permanent, but sometimes it is (medication, that is).
4) The external factors that contribute to depression are typically small, personal and selfish. The really huge existential crisis clouds the view of the solvable problems.

Take what you will and leave the rest. Best of luck.

Justin said...

Thanks so much to both of you. I guess misery loves company and it makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one.

David, what you said sums up the way I've been feeling almost perfectly, it's almost spooky to think that no matter how much we see ourselves as individuals we are far more alike than we'd often like to admit. The blowing things out of proportion, little things that normally wouldn't matter, it fits exactly.

I had a discussion the other night with a guy, he probably thinks I'm an idiot because of it, about racial discrimination and how much it pisses me off. It's always pissed me off but not to the extent that I'd have a long winded discussion with someone about it for no apparent reason, I just hope the guy chalks it up to the fact that I had a little too much to drink that night and forgives me.

I don't think that you're being presumptuous at all, if you have experience in the matter I'm not so pig headed as to not be able to accept some advice. That's a lot of what's gotten me into this most recent mess in the first place, my friend, who is older and wiser than I, tried to give me some good advice and I took it as criticism that I didn't feel I deserved, now I have to try to repair the damage. I won't make the same mistake again, I hope.

Anyway, thanks to both of you, as soon as I talk to the people I may have offended with my tirade the other night and hopefully repair the damage, I'll feel a lot better I'm sure. It's good to know that at least I'm not alone.

5 said...

Oh my what a liberal little group hug we have here :) ...

Chuck said...


I feel for ya. Really. I know everybody says it, but I've been there. I'm still not quite back to my old self. I still drink. A LOT. But I'm coming back.

I can tell by just reading what I have of you that you're not a quitter. You're a good family man. I appreciated that in Tony when I first "met" him and I appreciate that in you. You're just in that vortex right now and doubting yourself, is all.

I haven't worked for almost 4 years and I'm used to hitting it hard- like 80+ hours a week for the last 20 years, so I'm definitely not my old self these days.

If I can help long distance, my throwdown e-mail is:

Anything I can do...

Hang in there my bud!

Chuck said...