With all of the good times I've written about here, I've probably given a lot of people the impression that my life is something a little more wonderful than it actually is. The truth of the matter is that I've been playing a lot more than usual lately in an effort to maintain what's left of my sanity. Last spring a big part of my life took a headlong nosedive into the toilet, and I just can't seem to leave it behind me and every time that I think I just might be able to move on something else sneaks up and blindsides me. I try not to bitch about my problems very much, I usually just shut up and deal with it, but that's just not working so well anymore. My life over the last six months has been an ever steepening downward spiral, one thing after another, after another. I tend to not believe in all of these "syndromes" and buzzwords floating around giving names to what I see as typical life problems, and I definitely don't believe that taking some miracle pill will cure any of these problems, but if there is a such thing as depression, I have it.
There, I admitted it, anybody got any Prozac?
I used to be a happy person not so long ago, I desperately want to be again, but I just don't know how and it's killing me. My wife seems to be the only person that understands, God bless her for it, even my best friends seem to be getting fed up with my ever worsening attitude and I can't say that I blame them, and in the midst of my old friends starting to question me, I now have to start over trying to make new ones at a new job, how futile. Last night I tried to have some fun and forget a few problems for an hour or two, didn't work. I ended up getting in an argument with one of my best friends, the one person that's been through most of what I have over the last six months, the one person that I can relate to through all of this. I regret that argument deeply, and I hope that we both get over it as quickly as possible. He told me the truth about the way I've been acting lately and I didn't like what he had to say, I was an asshole about it I admit, but as a result I'm now stuck with my back against a wall once again, I like knowing where I stand, I like knowing what kind of opinions that people have about me, I hate it when I think I know and find out that I'm wrong. I hate having to ask myself if this person would have been a better friend had he not told me anything, would he have been a better friend if he'd told me a long time ago, will he still be my friend after what happened last night? I hate having to admit that I give a rodent's posterior what anyone thinks about me, I really don't care when it comes to most people, but when it's one of my closest friends it hits too close to home. I don't know what will come of this, all I know is that I don't think I can take much more bad luck, something's got to give here before I lose what's left of my will to even try, there isn't much to spare as it is.
So as a result of my private pitty party, I have nothing worthwhile to report at this time. I probably shouldn't have reported what I just did, but I feel like crap and I really don't care what I should or shouldn't do right now. The only thing I want to do is sleep, hopefully until it's all over, but I know that all the problems will still be there when I awaken. I'm sorry for being such a downer, it's really no one's problems but my own and I really doubt that anyone cares, but everything in my life that ever resembled any type of stability and security is either gone, or perilously close to being gone, everything that I worked so hard to earn is crumbling down around me and I just feel like complaining about it. I'll be in a better mood soon I'm sure, then I'll get back to writing something interesting, that is if my house doesn't burn down, it wouldn't surprise me, it's just the kind of luck I've been having.
What's the lotto jackpot up to this week? Wouldn't matter, if I won I'd get robbed on the way to cash in the ticket. Damn I need a new life, or my old one back.
Now go hug somebody that loves you, that's what I'm going to do, because you never know when that person might be all you've got.