Thursday, March 02, 2006

I Had An Idea That Reality TV Sucked . . . .

but I guess I just had to prove it to myself. This evening I did something for the first time in my life, I watched an entire episode of Survivor. Yeehaw, that's an hour of my life that I'll never get back. I apologize if I'm unable to string sentences together in the future since I'm positive that I lost at least 15 IQ points having watched that hefty dose of mind rot. And these shows pull in top level ratings? I guess that explains why no one from the ratings companies have ever called me. What I'm still trying to figure out however, is what the heck this show has to do with survival? It seems to have a lot more to do with politics if you ask me, whoever can BS the rest of the group the best is the one that sticks around and wins the cash. To hell with whether or not the person actually knows anything about how to survive.

Put me on that show, I'll walk around belching and farting up a storm and telling the smart ass little punks to go to hell, take their tribal alliances and run them up their behinds. They'll be jumping through hoops and doing parlor tricks for rice and beans and all the while I'll be building a log cabin and eating fresh seafood every night. They may vote me off right away, but at least I'll be comfortable while they're starving and acting like idiots on a quest for cash and fame. Chances are they'll be wanting to crash on my living room floor and scam themselves a few of my cast off crab legs. I'll boobytrap the shit out of the place too, let's see 'em vote me off and try to take over my digs then. Shad, the attorney from New York City, doesn't know how to make explosives and Malayan man traps, I do. Lotsa luck sucka.

Here's my idea: Six islands with similar resources, six morons from all walks of life. Each person gets a small selection of items, everyone gets the same stuff. Maybe some rope, a plastic tarp, a hatchet, a knife, personal hygiene items like a toothbrush and some soap, just the bare essentials. Maybe give them each a few days supply of water too. Then comes the twist, each person gets to pick a few items to take along of their own, say three things. Put each person on an island all by themselves with a camera and instructions on how to use it. Hide a few cameras in treetops and stuff too. The last one to say uncle wins. Total isolation, no bullshit, no immunity, no tribal council, just survival. Last one standing takes home the cash. I'll sign up for that one.

Speaking of jumping through hoops and looking like an idiot, I regret to inform you all that there won't be any biodiesel experiments this weekend. I know you're all disappointed, but my gracious employer feels that my weekend would be better spent in California getting smoke blown up my pantleg by a bunch of corporate bigwig types. Myself, not being the hoop jumping type, will be lucky to still be employed when I return but I'll do my best to keep my big mouth shut, as long as they don't try to make me do the Wal-Mart cheer, I was looking for a job when I found this one.

They call it "New Employee Orientation", since I've been an employee of this company for six months now and I'm working in an industry that I've been involved in since birth, (actually I'm the third generation), I tend to think that I'm already oriented quite well and need no further orienting, but they seem to disagree. I figure that if they want to orient me they should come here and do it, I'm not the dumbass that decided to put the corporate HQ in California, and I have no desire whatsoever to go there. Since I have to go there anyway, I'd really like to sneak off to West Coast Choppers and sniff around a little, but from what I've been told it's not a vacation, they don't give you any time to do anything except listen to your prescribed dose of propaganda, sounds more like "New Employee Brainwashing" if you ask me. Oh well, they're footing the bill and putting me up in a fancy hotel and stuffing me full of high dollar food so what the heck, we'll see what happens. Luckily I've never been exactly what you'd call impressionable, if they like banging their heads against a wall, go for it.

The big thing that pisses me off, is that I was really hoping to be able to live my entire life without ever having the experience of being crammed into a tin sardine can and blasted through the sky at 600 MPH, especially when said sardine can is scheduled to land in California, not exactly the place this backwoods hillbilly wants to be. Oh well, maybe when them Hollywood types see how damn good looking I am they'll make me a movie star, we'll see. Don't worry, I'll still appreciate all you scumbags when you're paying ten bucks a pop to come and watch me make out with Angelina Jolie on the big screen, I'll even give you my autograph for free. At least you'll all live with the knowledge that "you knew me when". I'm just kidding, you're not scumbags, and my wife would kill me if I made out with Angelina Jolie, Keira Knightly however . . . . . . surely she'd understand . . . . . . wouldn't she?

Well there you have it, my first episode of Survivor, my first trip on a commercial airline, and my first time setting foot in California, and don't forget my first batch of biodiesel from last week. A whole batch of firsts and you all get to watch . . . . . perverts. I'll be sure to take lots of pics while I'm gone so I'll have something to show you when I get back. Well . . . . . . as long as the plane doesn't crash anyway . . . . . gulp. Should I somehow miraculously survive this perilous journey, escape a fiery death in a tragic plane crash, dodge bullets from drive by shootings, not get mugged stabbed and left for dead in some LA backstreet, or suffocate under a pile of rubble after a record breaking earthquake, I'll be back next week with a full account of the whole debacle, or at least the parts that aren't "priveledged company information".

Is California really going to fall into the ocean someday like my mom told me when I was a kid? She was just joshing me right? . . . . . Wasn't she? . . . . . . gulp.


powderman said...


Stiff upper crying and will make it through without any major harm..nobody said it would be fun...attempt the thought "I might enjoy this, cause it is different than my ordinary everyday life"..then again...maybe I won't enjoy it....oh what the is only a few days...besides a trip to CA...chance to see the worlds oddball personalities...I believe that is PC.

The Dixie Drifter said...

Justin that is why so many people do not know what their rights are but know who the Simpsons and American idol stars are. Have a fun plane trip to CA and enjoy your SENSITIVITY TRAINING as I call it, there will be many more to come because the corporations wants everyone to be politically correct.

Im down to 348 days then no more of the coprorate bullshit

Eric Coobs said...

I call them 'Phony Reality' shows, because while they'll challenge the 'players' to eat bugs, I know that just out of sight, the camera crews are eating Big Macs standing around a water cooler.

American Idol seems really cruel, the way that they draaaag it out as to who's been voted off the shows.

Wulfgar said...

Justin, I used to say that my "get out of hell free" card was that this mountain boy could stand before God and tell him that I'd never been crammed in an airborn cattle car that landed in California. Unfortunately, employers seem determined to make sure you go to hell, so I lost my GOOHFC a few years ago.

Good luck.

Tillerman said...

You could be right about Survivor and IQ points. The guy who won the first series had a strategy a bit like yours. He was so smart that he forgot to tell the IRS about the million dollars he won and he's now in jail.

Anonymous said...

Hey Crapass! We are so out of here today-be nice to yourself, send your adress to us at
See ya!

Table Mountains said...

i'd like to see an episode of survivor filmed in newfoundland.drop them off in the back country for a month or so and see how they make out.

i did watch the first edition of survivor a few years back.that was about it for me.can't seem to watch those reality shows at all.

SuLynnSki said...