Monday, June 19, 2006

This One's For The Google Children




I have certainly been getting some interesting Google strings in my Sitemeter reports lately. I guess if you type out enough crap over a long enough period of time you're bound to start turning up some keywords, but when the same ones keep popping up over and over you can't help but notice. Here's a response for a few of them.

For all of the people that keep Googling "meth recipe", and "how to make meth", and other related subjects: I don't have a friggin meth recipe, if I did I'd gladly give it to you so you could graciously remove yourselves from the gene pool. If you didn't manage to blow yourselves up making the shit you'd likely kill yourselves slowly over a period of time by using it. Either way society as a whole would likely be far better off, now go find something useful to do with your time, like get a job.

For the guy that's found me for the umpteenth time by doing searches on various subjects relating to his 2-stroke weed eater: No, you can't run the son of a bitch with no oil. No, you can't use regular motor oil unless you like fouling spark plugs and basically gumming the whole works up. And NO, no matter how many fucking times you Google it the truth isn't going to change. Now go to the goddam store and get some 2 cycle oil and mix up some gas according the instructions that came with your friggin weed eater, or try to run it on rubbing alcohol for all I care. When you burn the fucker up maybe you'll go buy an electric one and accidentally weed eat the cord during a rain storm and fry your dumb ass, society as a whole would probably be better off.

Since I'm obviously in a grouchy mood this evening, I'm gonna vent a wee bit on something else that pisses me off. Hey, it's my blog right? Here goes.

Classic cars.

Am I the only person that gets pissed when I see some douchebag driving around in some nice old set of wheels that obviously doesn't deserve it? Who the hell am I to decide whether or not someone deserves a car you ask? Allow me to elaborate on how to tell if someone doesn't deserve a particular automobile.

If you pay a guy a compliment on his car, as in "hey man, nice car", and he says something lame like "oh, yeah, I love my classic". Dead giveaway, this fucker's a douchebag. He either bought the car just as you see it, or payed somebody to fix it up for him, and if he was confronted with so much as a burned out taillight bulb he'd be at the mercy of whatever sheister mechanic was lucky enough to find him first. This fuck deserves to drive nothing with more sex appeal than a Geo Metro . . . . . . a pink Geo Metro . . . . . . . with missing hubcaps . . . . . . . . . . and no radio.

A car guy will never refer to his pride and joy as his "classic", neither will a car chick for that matter because these days there's plenty of women out there that can turn a wrench with the best of 'em. A car guy knows that no automobile ever manufactured was simply called a "classic", that's a generic word for lame assed fucks that don't even know what their car is. Sure there were cars with the word "classic" in the name somewhere, like a Chevy Malibu Classic for example, but never a car just called a "classic". A dead giveaway that a guy's a car guy is when you pay him a compliment, as in "hey man, nice car", and he spends the next five minutes listing off all of the parts in it, but here's the tricky part: You have to know what you're talking about too, lest he try to bullshit you. Here's an example.

"Hey man, nice car."

"Yeah, it's a 68 Chevelle, but it's got a Porshe motor in it."

"No shit?" (as you actually fight back the urge to cough out the word Bullshit)

"Yeah, my friend in California (they're always from fucking California) built it, he's got a rod shop and that's all he does is put Porshe motors in classics (there's that word again. Douchebag alert, douchebag alert, danger, danger) for movie stars. He usually charges like a million bucks, but he built this one for Burt Reynolds and he never came and got it, so he just gave it to me."

Fight back the urge to tell this moron what a douchebag he is, he'll just call you a douchebag back and since most people wouldn't have a clue what would actually be involved in a project like that, or how counterproductive it would actually be, they'll probably believe his dumb ass and you'll be the one that looks like a monkey when it's all over. No, just let the dumbass revel in his own ignorance and drag the masses down with him. I'll tell him he's a douchebag, that way I can take the heat for you. Aren't I a nice guy?

Here's how to recognize the real thing.

"Hey man, nice car"

"Thanks, spent 5 years building her, but it was worth every bit. See, I was driving down this two lane road out near Bumfuckville, when I spotted this rusty roofline that looked like a '57 Chevy sticking up above the weeds. So I stopped at this farmer's house and asked him if he wanted to sell her. He didn't give a shit one way or the other so I went home and got my trailer and loaded her up. I didn't even look under the hood until I got home but when I did, I'll be goddamned if there wasn't the original 283, so I dumped some gas down the carb and hooked up some jumper cables and the SOB fired! So me and my buddy unloads her and rolls her into the shop . . . . . . "

He'll go on for hours if you look interested, he'll go on for at least one hour if you look like you could give a rat's ass less, but either way, you'll know this guy is the real thing, he deserves a '57 Chevy.

Here's a few BS redflags to remember, just so you don't get burned.

No self respecting American would ever put an import engine in an old American car. Not only would it be obscenely expensive and ridiculously difficult, it would be counterproductive. Most imports that are considered fast are far lighter than damn near anything of American manufacture, since speed is a product of power to weight ratio moreso than just power by itself. If you take a given engine and put it in a heavier car, you're defeating the purpose. That's why a Honda with a 2 liter 4 cylinder can often spank various older American cars with seemingly enormous V8 engines, it's not that the Honda engine has more power, it's just has a hell of a lot less car to haul around. Take that big V8, build a tube frame and convert the Honda to rear wheel drive, and drop that sucker under the hood, then you might just have something, likely a piece of shit, but at least it isn't stock.

Import fans love to talk about horsepower too. If there's anyone out there that would like an explanation of what "horsepower" means, let me know. The short version is this: horsepower means exactly dick squat when you're talking about an engine in a car. Oh it's great if you're trying to decide which engine to use to run your generator or irrigation pump, but if you want to build a fast car you should be far more concerned with torque. Horsepower is a measurement of how much work an engine can do over a period of time, torque is a measurement of how much work an engine can do right friggin now, as in when you slam the peddle to the floor and the tires disintegrate into a cloud of smoke, that's torque. Nifty high tech stuff like variable valve timing and space shuttle porting jobs and computer numeric whiz bang neato designed piston crowns can do all sorts of far out things to horsepower figures, but if you want more torque, you just gotta have a bigger engine, or cram more air and fuel into the one you got. Sorry, just the way it is.

Know your numbers. No street driven car turns 6 second quarter miles. Very very few street driven cars turn 12 second quarter miles, although the latter is at least possible. Don't let people BS you with altitude corrections either, yes cars will run a little faster at sea level because there's more oxygen in the air, but that slobbering slug that you just wasted with your VW Bug couldn't run 10's on the friggin moon, let alone sea level. Oh sure, Billy surfer dude will tell you all about how he wasted top fuelers at Pomona back in the day, but obviously something's not quite right with the Porshe power plant in his '68 Chevelle today.

Aaaaaaaah........aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah............aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
...........BULLSHIT!

There is no replacement for displacement. This is one BS red flag that will draw countless amounts of fire from wannabes. Anyone younger than about 25 will go on for days about Honda VTEC, and turbos, and nitrous (or NOS, which they pronounce as one word, another dead douchebag giveaway), but it doesn't matter. If you take a 2 liter Honda VTEC engine, and put nitrous and a turbo on it, and go waste a stock Mustang with a 5.4 liter engine, and think you're special and you just proved my theory wrong, then I'd like to present you with this douchebag award. What say we put nitrous and forced induction on the Mustang and see what happens shall we? Wanna race now? ~crickets~ That's what I thought, now go get a real engine Junior. Also bear in mind that the Mustang probably weighs a thousand or so pounds more, making your ass kicking all that much more humiliating. I'm not saying that there's no such thing as a fast import because there definitely is, I'm just saying that comparing apples to oranges is a sure sign of a douchebag. The import craze has brought about a whole new generation of douchebags, J-spec douchebags, it's what's for dinner. Tastes like chicken, smells like sushi. If your entire knowledge of all things mechanical came from watching 2 Fast 2 Furious 15 times, and looking at the pictures in an issue or two of Sport Compact Car, you'd better do your fucking homework if you want to talk turkey with me.

Here's one of my favorites, albeit I haven't ran into it in a while. Some douchebag starts telling you all about how he runs his car on jet fuel. Avgas maybe, as in airplane gas, a car will run on it but it isn't very good for it unless you have sodium cooled valves, but jets run on kerosene, or diesel fuel. Ever tried to run a gas engine on diesel fuel? If you have you know it doesn't work worth a shit, if you haven't let me assure you, it doesn't work worth a shit. If somebody tells you their car is fast because they run it on jet fuel, present them with a douchebag award. The only place their car will be going in a hurry running on jet fuel is the shityard, unless it's a diesel, in that case it probably would actually have less power than it would on regular diesel fuel, a jet engine doesn't have pistons, whole different ballgame, whole different fuel . . . . . douchebag.

I know that no one probably gives a shit about any of this, but I just felt like rambling on about nothing at all, and it's my blog, so I can, that and I just felt like using the word "douchebag" with annoying repetition. Maybe it'll get me some more interesting Google hits.

I think the ebola is starting to get to my brain.

I think I just coughed up part of my brain.

It doesn't taste good.

11 comments:

Honda boy said...

you say that people that drive hondas and put "NOS" and "TURBOS" on there car and go beat a Slutstang think there cool or fast. how about we do a little math a Slutstang has how many cyclinders and a civic has

Treasure State Jew said...

Boy, have I also wanted to post about some of the google search strings that show up on my hit list. I really didn't know that there were that many people looking for squirrel recipies ...

a-fire-fly said...

You rock! Try being a girl and knowing more about that checkbook mechanics car than he does and calling his bullshit! I really hate the 16 year old kids that power brake daddys beautiful car cuz they don't know how to burn the tires the right way. (torque!)

Justin said...

Howdy Aaron, squirrel recipes I have! Not nearly as profitable as methamphetamine, but far tastier and much more legal! ;)

fire fly, you rock. Chicks that fix stuff are cool. I constantly get people coming over looking for car advice. I giggle almost uncontrollably when somebody comes over looking for me and my wife answers their stupid assed question, but they don't believe her so they insist on talking to me. So she sends them to ask me and I give them the same answer. The look on their face, and hers for that matter, is priceless. I guess it's just proof that I'm a bad influence on her. ;)

honda boy, I'm gonna make an example out of your douchebag ass, you're exactly what I was talking about.

The Dixie Drifter said...

"No street driven car turns 6 second quarter miles. Very very few street driven cars turn 12 second quarter miles, although the latter is at least possible" We know there is no 6 second street production car but the 12 second car or should I say 10.5 second street car came into production almost 40 years ago, hey you can get a 12 second car today....look at the list..... http://www.autofacts.ca/classics/fast.htm
Please do not say you said very very few, the point here is you said the latter is at least possible, not only is it possible it is fact...
2007
Ford Shelby
Mustang GT500
5.4L V8 S/C
500
12.7
116
Standing quater mile

Justin said...

Well yeah Drifter, but that's at sea level, and probably running on jet fuel. ;)

There were lots of cars made back in the 60's and 70's that would turn 12's or better right out of the factory. But there aren't a lot on the road these days, and I guarantee they wouldn't run that good on 87 octane unleaded swill that these assholes call gasoline.

I'm by far not a Ford fan, but if they keep up what they've been doing with that damn Mustang for the last couple years, I just might have to break down and buy one, when I win the lottery.

The Dixie Drifter said...

Yep can remember the days when I was riding my Harley sportser, the first one I ever owned, I would go to a Sunoco station and they would let you dial in the octane that you wanted, I WOULD ALWAYS PUT 100 OCTANE IN THAT BAD BOY....now talk about torque that scoot had some torque they ruled the flat tracks for years and even old Evil Knivel rode one during his jumps not because it was a Harley but because of the torques like being shot out of a slingshot, but those days are gone...

Justin said...

One time my dad and I got our hands on about 3/4 of a barrel of "freight damaged" Unocal 76, 110 octane leaded NASCAR fuel. Made the scooters run real good, boat motors really like it too. If you want to feel a difference, start fooling around with race gas in a two stroke. Avgas works nice too, but one is wise to mix it half and half with premium unless they like replacing burnt valves.

I sold my big beasty truck because I was tired of feeding it high dollar premium gas just to keep it from rattling itself apart, but man I would have liked to see what it would have done on the old 97 octane leaded gas. I had the timing backed down so far to make it run on 91 unleaded without pinging, there's no way it was running anywhere near potential, but it still hauled ass.

tenlargeeeeeee said...

hey i like the rambles... i may not know jack SHIT about cars but im in the process of learning and u did answer a few questions... so u ramble isnt all shits and giggles and venting... sometimes that shit is enlightening... anyways, how do you know whan u get google hits?

tenlargeeeeeee said...

hey i like the rambles... i may not know jack SHIT about cars but im in the process of learning and u did answer a few questions... so u ramble isnt all shits and giggles and venting... sometimes that shit is enlightening... anyways, how do you know whan u get google hits?

Justin said...

Howdy tenlarge, actually . . . don't tell anybody . . . . but the google fairy comes to me in my sleep and whispers in my ear!

Just kidding. Site meter my friend, it's a wonderful thing.