Saturday, August 26, 2006

As National Truck Driver Appreciation Week Comes To A Close . . . . .

What's that you say? You didn't know that it was Truck Driver Appreciation Week? You should be ashamed of yourself. Now go out and thank a truck driver right now you inappreciative clods. Everything you own was likely on a truck at one time or another. If it wasn't for us, all of that cheap, Chinese shit that you bought at Sprawl-Mart would either still be sitting at the sweat shop in Huang Fooey, or piled up on the docks in Seattle or L.A.

We also accept gifts. Donuts, T-bone steaks, free cups of coffee, dirty magazines, hemorrhoid cream, those nifty little chrome girlie silhouettes for our mudflaps, or anything that runs on 12 volts and plugs into a cigarette lighter will do nicely. Or better yet, just resist the urge to flip me the bird the next time you get stuck behind me in traffic and insist on dramatically flying by me as fast as you can, engine revved sky high, tires squealing, practically taking my front bumper off in an effort to get in front of me just in time to slam on your brakes for the next red light. If you do that one simple thing, then when I finally decide that I've had enough of this shit and I really don't care if I have to find a new career, I'll resist the urge to jump out of my truck at said red light and bust you on the side of the nugget with my 5 lb. stainless steel tire thumper. Savvy? I knew we'd come to an understanding.

In other news, it seems that the Sanctuary Fire has received a good old fashioned Montana ass kicking.


And Corndog says you guys don't do a Goddamn thing. Yeah right, why don't you come to Lockwood and say that, buttplug? That fire might not be the only thing in these parts to receive a good old fashioned Montana ass kicking. If you didn't want to be a Senator anymore, all you had to do was resign. Or keep your original promise, you know, the one about only serving two terms. Remember that? But oh no, you had to make an ass of yourself and the entire state of Montana, multiple times as a matter of fact. Shall we book you on the next flight back to Missouri Mr. Cornhole? If you promise to stay sober, and be nice to the flight attendants, we might not even duct tape your mouth shut before we strap you to your seat to keep you from embarrassing us any more than you already have. Bad enough we're getting overrun with out of state immigrants, the last thing we need is one representing us in Washington.

Did I just say something political? Bad Justin. I was gonna stay away from that stuff wasn't I? Oops. I've been naughty. Who wants to spank me first?

Speaking of naughty people, and people that likely enjoy a good spanking, has everybody seen this asshole that claims to have killed JonBenet Ramsey? This story is just rich. One look at this dipshit, coupled with about five words about his past, makes it quite obvious that he's a wack job of the highest order probably quite capable of committing the crime in question, but here's what I think. Although I'm probably wrong, I really don't follow this kind of stuff, I think that Mr. I'm a Weirdo probably got himself in a wee bit of trouble over there in Thailand. I can't imagine how a second grade teacher looking for a sex change operation could possibly get himself into trouble in a country with an entirely different and far less tolerant legal structure than our own, but anything's possible right?

So here's this fine specimen of a professional educator, a molder of young minds, in trouble with the law . . . . . . in Thailand. From what I've heard about the Thai prison system, the prospective of spending any time whatsoever in one of their fine detention facilities would likely be enough to make just about anyone with the presence of mind to do so instantly fess up to crimes anywhere from kidnapping the Lindberg baby to murdering Jimmy Hoffa. Let's face it folks, if it meant the difference between slowly rotting away in a damp, dark, foul smelling shithole of a prison in Thailand while shitting tapeworms and watching my teeth fall out one by one, and doing time in one of the veritable luxury hotels with fences around them that we call prisons here in the states, I'd confess to the first unsolved crime that popped into my head as long as said crime would likely win me extradition back to the good old U. S. of A. From what I've heard about this twinkle toed Tweety Bird, I don't think he'd particularly mind being some big guy's bitch. As a matter of fact, I think that's what he had in mind all along. Hey, if that's what floats his boat, lotsa luck to him.

John Ramsey's public statement is what really cracked me up though. As soon as they arrest this asshole, Ramsey goes on record talking about his late wife and how she would want everyone to reserve judgment, to not make any assumptions until this guy has been found guilty in a court of law. Yeah, I'll bet you still would have said that if you hadn't had your own balls on the chopping block back when the whole thing started, wouldn't you? This fucked up legal system of ours starts to make a whole lot more sense when you find yourself accused of a crime doesn't it? The rights of the accused are just obstacles to putting bad guys behind bars until it's you that's never going to be able to look at dropping the soap the same again aren't they? All of a sudden that whole "innocent until proven guilty" thing doesn't sound quite so ludicrous does it?

I really wonder what he would have said if he hadn't been the first suspect, I have a feeling it would have been a whole lot different. Face it buddy, anyone that would dress their six year old daughter up the way you guys did, isn't exactly in the running for the "Dad of the Year" award alright. Normal fathers just really don't want their little girls being dressed up to look "sexy", at least not until they're 35 and even then it's a stretch. Unless of course they're perverts. O.J. was acquitted too, I never said our legal system was perfect.

I'd love more than anything to see the asshole or assholes responsible for killing that poor little girl swinging from a short rope attached to a tall tree, but that case has been so tainted by law enforcement foul ups and excessive media coverage that I doubt we'll ever know what really happened. Fuck it, hang 'em all. Let God sort 'em out. Whaddya say to that Mr. "Innocent Until Proven Guilty"? Betcha would've agreed with me a few years ago.

Well folks, that's all I have to bitch about today, and I leave you now with these words of wisdom.

Never pet a porcupine.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

You'll never make your mother in law happy, so you might as well just have fun finding creative ways to piss her off.

If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.

If your wife catches you in bed with another woman, it will do you no good whatsoever to say that she's your sister.

And finally,

There's only one thing in the world that's worse than having the shits, and that's trying to have them quietly in a public restroom.


ken hayes said...

Justin, I think you have wisdom beyound your years. I still think the Ramsey's killed the little girl and this is just a smoke screen for the pervert to get outta town and away from the jails in little China town. I think you will see lots of egg on faces when this is all unraveled.

By the by, thanks for all you do in the trucking industry. Without you guys I would have to make my own adult beverages.

Anonymous said...

I see you have been flying a lot more than I have. I also see you have been socializing way more than I have been able to lately. I am at a new job, parents 50th wedding anniversary and clean out house where a lot of crap stored so I can either rent it out or sell. Hope to see ya soon. You need to call me or give me your phone number through Clay and John. I shoot video almost every week, but I just don't have time to edit and post. I am willing to give you the video to edit and post if you are interested. I think there can never be enough hot video of the Clayster doing his magic? Let me know! Ralpho

Justin said...

Howdy Ken, I don't think I even have wisdom beyond my height, let alone my years but thanks for the compliment anyway!

Making your own adult beverages isn't really all that bad, but it isn't nearly as fun as making your own adult videos, or at least that's what I've heard.

Good to hear from you Ralpho, I keep hoping to run into you at the park but no luck. I think everyone else is starting to miss you too, better stop by one of these mornings and say howdy before we sell your parking spot to someone else, LOL. (Just between you and me, I think Jones has his eye on it)

I'd be happy to work on the video for you, I think we could make quite a team to be honest. After all, chicks dig the Ralpho, and I'm just a friggin' stud so how could we lose? With lots of video of the mighty Crashis bending the sticks, I can see no possible outcome but for all three of us to be slathered in fame and fortune when it's all over. Couldn't happen to a cooler bunch of guys if you ask me.

I'll drop some contact info off the next time I stop by the shop and we'll figure out how to pass it back and forth, maybe we could get something going on MSN Messenger or something, that or you could just burn it on discs. If you click on my profile, there's a link in there where you can send me an email. That'd probably be the easiest way to get something set up where you could send me the video through MSN or something, those damn attachment limits usually put the skids on sending video with any kind of quality through email.

I'm working a lot more these days so I don't have quite as much time on my hands, but I'm sure I could find some time to work on it. One thing about making videos, the more footage I have to play with, the better. It opens up a lot more options, especially if I have multiple angles of the same thing. Like I said, shoot me an email and we'll get it figured out.