Friday, October 06, 2006

It Finally Happened


Yep, it finally did.

Here . . . . . Let me back up a little.

Yesterday I'm sitting around the house doing whatever it was I was doing, likely working on my latest miniature flying machine, (just wait until you all see this one!) when all of a sudden the phone rings. Now it's not very often that my phone rings during the day. The wife's rings constantly but most people know that I'm likely sleeping and won't answer mine anyway, so they don't even bother calling it. Most people that really know me know that I fucking hate telephones and likely won't answer the son of a bitch even if I'm not sleeping, so they still call hers.

Anyway, the phone rings. I grumble a few obscenities, look at the caller ID and see that it's a strange number. Probably some dumb ass with a wrong number I figure. Since there's few things that make me giggle uncontrollably like fucking with poor bastards that get wrong numbers, I figure what the hell and I answer the damn thing. Well . . . . Smoking pot used to make me giggle almost as uncontrollably as fucking with poor bastards that got wrong numbers, but I quit doing that years ago. Smoking pot that is, I still fuck with poor bastards that get wrong numbers. I wonder how much fun it would be fucking with poor bastards that get wrong numbers, while smoking pot. Damn. Probably wind up needing an oxygen tank, or puking by the time that was over. Anyway.

Me - Hello, Big J Enterprises Worldwide, Big J speaking.

Guy on the phone - Uhhhh . . . . . Yeah . . . . . Um I'm looking for Justin?

Me - Well so am I and that sorry bastard better hope that you find him before I do.

Guy on the phone - Ummmmm . . . . . . I think maybe I have a wrong number.

Me - (Thinking "no shit Sherlock") No, this is Justin, I was just shittin' ya, what the hell can I do for ya?

Guy on the phone - (laughing) Oh OK, had me worried for a minute there. Anyway, I got your number from a friend of mine and . . . . . .

So this guy goes on to tell me this long winded spiel about how he owns his own business based out of the Billings airport that deals entirely with high value and time critical freight moving between Billings and all points elsewhere and vice versa. He's got a Cessna Caravan Super Cargomaster that he flies all over the place hauling high dollar electronic gizmos for big corporations and the government, as well as really urgent medical shit like about to be transplanted human innards and stuff. Damn easy job and pays assloads of money.

Me - So what the hell does this have to do with me?

Guy on the phone - Well . . . . Here's the deal . . . . .

He goes on to tell me all about how his little transport business is growing by leaps and bounds, and he's got another plane ordered but Cessna is about 8 months out on the damn thing. Meanwhile he's working double time trying to keep up and his ass is dragging the ground. Where I come in, he tells me, is that he's looking to hire somebody to ride along with him on his runs, help him load and unload shit, (yep, flying dockhand, sounds a lot like what I do now, only without the flying), and in return besides paying a rather generous wage, he's willing to teach this person how to fly and help him or her get their IFR and Commercial ratings. That way when the new plane comes in whoever the lucky bastard is, can jump in one of them and start up a second run.

Me - Sounds like a hell of a deal. But still, why me?

Guy on the phone - Like I said, I got your name from a friend of mine and he told me that you'd love to get your pilot's license, but just never figured you could afford it. If you're half as interested in flying as my friend told me you are, then it shouldn't be any problem for you to bust ass and have your license by the time my second plane comes in. Besides, you already know the freight business, so I don't figure it'd be much of a problem for you to pick up the particulars of air freight over what you have been doing.

Me - Wow, cool.

Just then I hear this huge ruckus coming from the living room. Seems that Mrs. Justin is jumping up and down and screaming like a fucking lunatic. Now if there's one thing in the world that I hate worse than talking on a Goddamn telephone, it's trying to hear a Goddamn telephone over somebody that's jumping up and down and screaming like a fucking lunatic.

"GODDAMN IT WOMAN, GET THE KID TO KILL THE FUCKING WASP AND SHUT THE HELL UP, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M ON THE PHONE?"

"WE WON! WE WON!" she keeps screaming.

"I know we won, I just got offered the job of a lifetime, now if you'd shut the hell up maybe I could find out the details before the battery goes dead in this piece of shit cellphone"

"NO REALLY, WE WON! THE LOTTERY, WE WON! NOW WE CAN BUY THAT DOUBLEWIDE!" She says, still screaming actually.

Now I really want her to stop screaming before the crackheads down the street hear her and storm the castle gates to get that golden ticket. I start looking for my .45, I'll be goddamned if those worthless bastards are gonna take MY new doublewide without a fight.

Just as I look over her shoulder and see the numbers there on the computer screen which do indeed match the ones on the ticket that she's flailing about like an epileptic on crack, I start to hear this voice, a far off voice, and it's weird, like it's coming from all around me and nowhere all at the same time. It's a familiar voice, but I still can't figure where it's coming from. Then, as if I had been grabbed from behind and tossed into another dimension by some repulsively twisted beasty fresh from the depths of the ninth circle of hell, my eyes are cruelly pried open and struggle to see my wife looking back rather annoyed at me through the foggy mist of my recent slumber. Then I realize where I am.

"Honey, really, it's time. Get your lazy ass out of bed damn it, it's time to go play truck driver"

Shit.

And you thought YOU were disappointed. Even my subconscious has a sick sense of humor it seems.



Anyway, here's the airplane video from last weekend. Enjoy.



The Joy of Flying
Video sent by raginredneck93

12 comments:

T said...

You rotten bastard...I was getting all giggly and thinking "how friggen' cool" and then...you rotten bastard!

where is that pot?
See ya!

Ken Hayes said...

Had me thinking "Good for you". You outta start writting books.

a-fire-fly said...

Dirty rotten bastard. Yep T, you nailed it.
Hope the dream comes true someday tho.

Justin said...

UMMMHUUUM . . . . COUGH . . . . HACK . . . . SPITOOEY . . . . now that my throat's properly cleared.

GOTCHA!

;)

Cricket said...

And here I thought I was gonna have to figure out how to convince the old man not to kill ya and take that job...LOL!!

You really had us all goin' Wish it would have actually happened for ya though!! Sick Jerk!!

JC Williams said...

Great vidoe Justin

Going out to the hobby store for sure tomorrow and look at a few planes.

As I told you I would be having some free time on my hands come March, well that changed as of yesterday it was time for the yearly evaluation and the only way the hospital was going to keep me was to cough up some good cash.

Went in and laid it out on the line to the boss explained to him come March I would be 62 and was thinking about retiring because I was wasting my life away on I-5 especially at the rate of pay, He said how much was it going to cost to keep me, I told him no less than $4.57 a hour increase, the man said you got it, now I'm thing I should have ask for more.

You probably are thinkg why $4.57 well that amounts to $9,905 dollars a year which takes to make my house payments. As of right now no retirement in the near future, but for sure a pretty god plane.

Justin said...

Gee Cricket, I write a funny story, make all of you people laugh, and what do I get in return?

Meanmouthed, I get friggin' meanmouthed. That's it, nothing but boring foreign film reviews for the next week. ;)

Hey JC, sorry to hear you had to put off your retirement, but glad to hear about the raise. You must be a hell of a hand, LOL. Oh well, there's plenty of time for flying on the weekends right?

Just remember what I told you in the email I sent you. You don't WANT a "pretty good plane", you want a cheap, tough, ugly friggin thing that flies good! That way you can beat the hell out of it learning how to fly and you won't care, then get the pretty good plane and have a prayer of keeping it for awhile. If there's one thing we don't need it's another damn beginner trying to start out with a totally detailed down to the last rivet 1/3 scale P51 with flaps and retractable landing gear and wing loading that translates into a stall speed that's faster than the top speed of most trainers and actually thinking he can fly it because "he flies one on the simulator" LOL. It's kind of like taking a 15 year old and trying to teach them how to drive in a top fuel dragster, it just defies common sense. In other words, don't let some fast talking salesman talk you into spending more than you have to on your first plane, if you're like most folks you probably won't have it all that long anyway. At any rate, let me know what you get, I'll be dripping with anticipation my friend! ;)

Cricket said...

Start with The English Patient, I dare you!!! :0)

Here's to hopin that the dream comes true for you both!

Chuck said...

You really know how to spin one. *L*!

Tell ya what. I'm going to start reading your posts by paragraph. Backwards. HA!HA!

JC Williams said...

Justin

The pay raise sure makes it a lot easier to justify a top of the line starter plane.

As far as being a great hand some people would debate that with you, after spending 26 years with Ma Bell I have worked for 11 different companies, some people would say that I am unstable.

I look at it this way sure gave me some great experience negoating my own wage packages, and if they piss me off I find another job.

After spending some time with Amazon.com and Verizon I walked away with a couple of healthy severance packages especially the one from Verizon, worked for them 11 months and walked away with a 27 year retirement package and me and the wifes health benifits.

I know you going say how can you get a 27 year retirement from them and you only worked 11 months, it is like this I got my previous Bell System time bridge, got my bridiging letter on a Saturday and they came down with a offer the following Monday.

I worked for amazon.Com for 6 months right at the time the bubble burst and Jeff Bazos treated us real good also the man put away 132,000 share of stock for 1300 people, and when it vested at 2 1/2 years my take was about 15 grand plus what he gave me at the time of layoff.

Think my next job will be mowing laws.

Anonymous said...

Hey justin jon m. here. I was looking for roller secondary clutches for the skidoo and ran across a primary on the net for your sled 50 bucks shipped
give me a call and we can talk about it
I was jummping for joy about your new job.... you really need to start writing books. I was laughing my tail off and had to have the wife come in and read the new post.
later
jon m

Justin said...

Actually Cricket, I was thinking about starting with this really cool Swedish porn flick that I just found on the web, but I guess I could consider The English Patient. ;)

Chuck, please don't read my posts backwards. .gniyas saw I tahw tou erugif ot drah yllaer eb dluow tI That and it would spoil the surprise. ;)

Hey JC, wanna talk to my boss for me? Damn man, whatever you do, it must be really in demand is all I can say. It must be nice to be so needed, LOL. I'd pass on the lawn mowing thing if I were you though. Although there's a few guys around here with lawn maintenance businesses that make pretty good cash. Most of them plow snow in the winter to make up the difference, but considering the fact that we haven't had enough snow in the last several years to really make that worth the effort, I guess they must be making most of their money in the summer. Besides, they get to ride around on those really cool 0 degree turning radius mowers. I want me one of those. ;)

I just found your comment Jon, and it's the middle of the night so I doubt you want me to call you now, LOL. I'm definitely interested though. I'll get ahold of you for sure. I didn't figure that I'd fool you with that post, I was sure that I'd left out some detail or something that would tip you off that it was fake. It's a nice dream if nothing else, not everyone can haul self loading cargo like you do, most of us have to load it ourselves. Oh yeah, and we have to stay on the ground too, that's the sucky part. ;)